The Toilet Paper Survivalist
The Toilet Paper Survivalist
How I Became a Survivalist and Remained Squeezably Soft
By John Galt
December 3, 2008
In the great year of 1999, I was prepared to hunker down in my humble home with my wife and critters for the end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI for all you still learning the lingo). I was cushioned by my vast supplies of rice, beans, canned foods, guns, ammo and the one thousand rolls of toilet paper which I insisted would save our lives one day.
Sadly, the non-event of Y2K shattered so many of my illusions and dreams of leading a “Red Dawn” style movement to liberate the programmers that would save the day. Instead, the only thing that failed technologically in my household was a calculator which flickered off and on, which turned out to be a dying battery and not an error in code implanted by Chinese Communist agents looking to destroy our nation.
This lost dream forced me into a spiraling staircase of doubt that the survivalist mentality was not only wrong but misguided by people who wanted me to buy camouflage and learn how to roast pine beetles with dandelions in my back yard instead of just firing up the Weber Grill and creating my own masterpieces of culinary delight. Events in the coming year would prove my doubts wrong and my desire to resheeple during the year an almost irreconcilable mistake.
When the terrorist struck our nation on September 11, 2001, I feared the worst. I ran to my supply closets and started breaking out the ammo cans expecting an invasion of Islmofacist hordes much like the Mongols stormed the Turkish steppes centuries earlier. As I loaded magazines and watched the horror unfold on television, the realization that President Bush was in our area, speaking to those kids, hit me that indeed we could be at risk. As the President departed Sarasota on television, I had to go out into my front yard and see Air Force One as it ascended from our airport now fully realizing the horror of our new future began to sink in as the fighter jets roared overhead with the Boeing 747. “God help us” I thought to myself. Indeed, we, as a nation needed prayer and guidance more than ever.
As time moved forward, the doubts about the entire 9-11 disaster entered my mind, primarily via shortwave radio broadcasters who started to convince me that all of those years of college and information my professors relating to the fanaticism of the Islamic extremists was indeed a myth. I actually had a little doubt in mind about the events I witnessed with my own eyes on television or if Bin Laden was a real person or not or just a psychotropic illusion induced by a CIA planted hallucinogenic agent introduced into those red berries in my Captain Crunch Berries cereal.
Alas, the whiplash of being slapped back into the real world hit me like a ton of bricks as some personal misfortune made me realize that I needed the survivalist mentality to get by and to succeed. That is why I began to understand that allowing my stash to drop below three hundred rolls was a mistake, and learning to research to find out the truth about so many things became an important part of my life.
So I could help my wife and I and our families survive the coming times.
The tongue in cheek metaphor for so many people in the “prepper” or “survivalist” community is the measure of how many rolls of toilet paper you have stored up for hard times. There are some folks that I know who take that issue dead seriously, even creating spreadsheets measuring usage and cost which is fine unless of course you use more than the average bear which is much more information than I need to know in this lifetime. Alas, that is not the reality though, as freedom and independence are the real story which is what every fine person within this community has always tried to defend and convey.
The mindset in reality is to be prepared for almost anything, and that is what I have tried my best to get my family prepared for. You have to learn to live your lives and balance the day to day needs, practical and emotional, of your spouse and yourself. There is no reason to wake up every morning expecting to put green camouflage paint on your face and play Rambo in the reality of the proverbial real world. Yet letting one’s guard down is not an option as September 11, 2001 so vividly illustrated. That is where learning and dealing with the balance is so important.
I have tried my best to balance my time to prepare with the real world so I do not have my friends and relatives looking to have my household visited by those nice young men with the jackets with lots of buckles and snaps in the back. It is a difficult balance, at times annoying my lovely wife beyond belief, yet you have to find it or you will go insane. The times we are entering are historic for our nation and will eventually lead to the final revision of our system of economic and political structure which means our Constitution shall sadly be drastically revised. To me this means you have to follow the proverbial “prepare for the worst, pray for the best” line of thinking and hope to the dear Lord your actions will take care of those that you love.
I shall always endeavor to seek out like minded souls so I can learn more. The education process is so critical at this time that without it, I might slide back into the Jerry Springer version of America where reality is defined by the insane lack of practical morals and dependence on others to survive. That is not living if you think about it. That is leeching, the process of latching on to others for your existence which requires no moral compass, no spiritual guidance and a total abandonment of the principles which created our nation. The Marxist ideals so carefully infused into our education system and life principles one teaspoon at a time have finally born fruit for those that wished to bring freedom and capitalism down to their knees. The dual concepts of dependence and submission are creating the problems we see now, and unfortunately shall multiply in intensity in the years to come.
With that desire for the preservation of the original American system in mind, I hope that everyone takes a breath of fresh air and pauses to reflect on what your moral center is and how your own personal Declaration of Independence might help you to survive the trying times we are now in the midst of. I could suggest a list of goods, training and programs to help you start down this path but there is only one thing each individual must do. I feel you must look inward, which in my case was an insightful revelation during prayer, to get the guidance you will need to survive this morbid future our technocratic designers have in mind. Once you have taken that time, that moment to look inside yourself and then seek the knowledge you will need, you are light years ahead of your Playstation Two playing, Jerry Springer lifestyle living, four car and a home in debt over their heads neighbor who has three kids, a wife, a girlfriend and a lifestyle which they model after all those reality television shows.
Come to think of it, when I think about those neighbors which we all seem to have encountered at some point in our lives, it makes me want to take a deep breath and take some action to give me peace of mind:
Excuse my while I inventory the Charmin.
Thanks for the great insight JG.
My brother came across my stash of TP and I am a marked man for the jacket you described,that is until he runs out and can no longer find or afford any.Then I will magically transform into ‘ahead of my time’ and wise.
Something solid which helps me understand all this which is now upon us is that it is God who is raising up our enemies and making our leaders class 1 idiots.
Just as He raised up King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon to defeat His own nation and people Israel we are seeing a repeat of this here in America.
He has a special promise for the proud, those nations that forget Him
‘The wicked shall be turned into hell, and all the nations that forget God.’ Psalm 9:17
and those stupid enough to divide His land.
With this sound truth deep in my soul, I do not fear anyone but God and have lots of peace and rest.GM and the rest are getting what they deserve as will everyone else.
Psalm118:8
Comment by Marcel — December 3, 2008 @ 11:02 am
It is nice to know there are still some of us out there. I am not alone. By now we can look back on y2k and at least smile, however, I think this time we can actually see something coming. It is so close we can smell it and if everything else happens like the stock market fall we will be in the middle of it before we can say toilet paper. I just would like to stay informed, so thanks for the info and I will be keeping in touch so keep up the good work.
Comment by Tommy Donaldson — December 3, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
You can store a lot more Charmin in your bunker of last resort if you vacuum pack each roll. It gets squished pretty flat but surprisingly springs back to its original shape rather quickly once the vacuum seal is broken. I also keep a couple of vacuum packed rolls in the BOB just in case for use or for barter. I don’t really trust FEMA to have an adequate supply and don’t plan on seeking out their help in any event. Besides, gummint TP is notoriously nasty compared to store bought varieties. Best wishes and may your TP worries be wiped away and your troubles roll off your shoulders like water off a duck’s back.
Comment by alien — December 3, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
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Pingback by The Toilet Paper Survivalist « Sword At-The-Ready — December 3, 2008 @ 2:32 pm
I had to chuckle as I read this article as I know what he feels with regard to staying lowkey on stocking up on TP. Everytime I bring home another bundle of TP my wife just rolls her eyes and shakes her head. I tell her one day she will thank me and then chastize me for not stocking more.
As a former boy scout, I still follow the motto “Be Prepared”. One day in the near future, following that wisdom will keep one less person fighting the panicked mobs at Walmart for whatever they can get their hands on when the big crisis comes.
I agree with John that before anything you need to find your moral center and inner strength. I know that regardless of the future, God is in control.
Comment by scooter — December 3, 2008 @ 8:05 pm
I thought I was the only one that thought TP should be a big assct in the furture.
Comment by Dusty Roads — December 3, 2008 @ 8:52 pm
Great article, I have to keep my feet on the ground Y2K was actually a blessing because it worried me so much I learned how to operate a computer in order to see what was going on, and ended up with a profiting online business. However I created a survivalist monster in myself. I never have enough food, ammo, tools fuel or TP. On the TP matter I store the 600 foot rolls of very thin paper hand towels like the ones in restrooms, they come 6 rolls to a case for about 23.00, and they take up less room and are more cost effective. I cannot get away from the feeling something is going to happen and Y2K was the lords way of making me learn what I needed to know to survive and help others.
Comment by Les — December 3, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
Great article
“Something Wicked This Way Comes.”
It is said; “Paranoia Is The First Step In Being Prepared”; I Prefer To Call It Situational Awareness. “Watchful, Cautiously I Wake And Enter The World Every Day.” So Are You Prepared?
Lou M.
I do what I can to try to enlighten people, mostly they laugh, that’s OK with me as soon things will change and I will be prepared. 9-11 was a wake up call for me, sure I have practiced survival long before that but because of 9-11 I was able to focus on my weaknesses and be better prepared.
“Before all else, be armed.”- Niccolo Machiavelli
“The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not”.-Thomas Jefferson
Comment by Lou Maloney — December 4, 2008 @ 9:39 am
I was in a meeting pre Y2K, as we were preparing our cover down, when I really thought , ” This is Bullshit” it is not going to be melt down. The computer only knows what you tell it and you can enter 01/01/2000 in your machine and it doesnt know your lying. It came and went. I was at the helm of my station at am major facility as the security electronics man and it was my job to keep the doors locked and opened as needed . I had no worries.
This mess with the economic meltdown has me worried, because idiots will go nuts, and the criminals will use it as a spring board to gain ground on the ones with their head in the sand. Go to a park, sit on the bench and see how many trees are scared(None)the earth is not in turmoil, people are. This is all beong done to the weak minded and its the cowards are going to stampede as they did in NY walmart.This new threat is being “DONR TO YOU BY YOUR FELLOW MAN” not a spirit,or celestal force. Man made this situation and men of courage and will can stop it. The earth doesnt have a calendar, men do.
Comment by Ragnvald Lister — December 4, 2008 @ 10:46 am
I appreciate the seriousness of your writing and can’t help being encouraged by humor in the midst of it. How often we forget to laugh at the wicked, (as God does), all the while keeping a close eye on them. Know your enemy. The Psalm mentioned by Marcel did me a world of good and reminded me of “I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves..be wise as serpents and harmless as doves”. Difficult as it is to find like minded people even amongst family they are more precious for their scarcity.
Comment by Neil — December 4, 2008 @ 11:45 am
I understand john…thanks to my best friend I bought a shortwave radio long before y2k…as a result i learned who was controlling the media,the USA..and reading became a must such as the creature from J.Island,the unseen hand and many more.Thanks for the courage you’ve shown in writing the truth..May the Lord God continue to use you to open the eyes of the sheeple….the hour is late.
Comment by john — December 4, 2008 @ 8:13 pm
You can’t prep for everything and you can’t “survive” by yourself.
Most Americans have never been anywhere near combat, a real survival situation, or even spent time in a “peaceful” 2nd/3rd world country. (No, being snowed in at you house for 72 hrs is not a “survival” situation. Likewise, driving through the “projects” in Chicago/LA/DC/etc is NOT like a convoy through Baghdad or some place in Africa which rarely makes the news). Americans have completely untested fantasies about human interactions and no clue about situational outcomes and often over-prep in the wrong direction as a result. This is due in large part to Hollywood.
Running out of TP does not constitute a threat to life during a real survival situation. BTW, Save the trees –buy a sponge and put it on a stick like the Roman soldiers did. Mark my words and check the date on this posting because I can guarantee you someone will be marketing a “Survival Sponge with 101 Uses” after reading this post. It come in a molle pouch.
Comment by Chris — December 5, 2008 @ 9:13 am
Sponge on a stick? Hmmmmm?! Then I could use all
that TP I have stored for BARTER! Thanks for the tip
Comment by Judi — December 5, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
This has been an interesting subject as a posting and a flurry of related comments. I too have set aside extra TP though not as much as others it seems. This is practical for me for the simple reason that I live in a hurricane prone area and past experience has shown stores to be closed for more than a week when no electrical power. However, I have yet to see at this site or most others the OTHER obvious requirement in this subject area of sanitation. That is how are you going to “go” and where do you “put it”. Most of our mini survival experiences have normally to do with loss of electricity but usually never a loss of city supplied water through pipes (those of you on wells have this problem a little more often!). My point is simply that if you don’t have your water supplied by plumbing, it won’t be but a single day before your toilet bowl is useless. Those of you who use stand alone septic tanks/drain fields can still function (assuming they are down hill) if you have access to outside water supply. Half of a 5 gallon contractor bucket poured directly into the bowl will flush any toilet just fine (using river water, ponds, etc as source) and you can continue to do so for ever. BUT when your home is connected to a public sewer line and electricity has been off for some time, those main lines fill up since pumping stations are now offline and you eventually can’t flush your toilet safely anymore regardless of relying on outside bucket water. Now what do you do????
I think people thinking ahead to the “what ifs” should consider buying one or two extra plastic 5 gallon contractor buckets, a large supply of kichen style 13 gallon plastic trash bags which can be used to line the inside of the bucket, and buy from a marine supply house a couple of toilet seats designed to snap on to a 5 gallon bucket (they’re only a couple of bucks each. Even the Ready Store in Utah who sells packaged long storage food items even sells these things). Now you have a convenient way to solve the sanitation problem. When necessary, you can simply carry the bucket outside and then dispose of the plastic liner in an appropriate manner to your housing situation. I think without some forethought as to disposal of the “waste” involved, preparation for disasters is incomplete regardless of how much TP you’ve prebought. Just my 2 cents.
Comment by Bullpasture — December 5, 2008 @ 12:30 pm
See –it only took 3 hours and somebody was already all over that sponge idea.
In the midwest we’ll have to rely on cattails –the plant kind. Whoah, I still heard a shifting in seats in front of computers nationwide on that one.
Expect a run on sponges in stores in 3…2…1…
Has anyone here already pre-positioned themselves on stock in sponge companies?
Does “sponge diver” now make onto the top post-TEOTWAWKI job list above “gong farmer”?
Only time will tell!
Comment by Chris — December 6, 2008 @ 11:22 am
Well, our six-year supply of Scott tissue (lasts longer than Charmin, and is easier on the septic system, by the way) made it for five years. Back to the local supermarket (Sam’s Club is too far away).
The home power system still works, and we have lots (and, I mean LOTS) of whole wheat left. Anyone need any? Not to mention other long-term goodies.
Who knows, with Obamessiah in the White House and the looney left controlling both houses of Congress, we may need all this stuff yet. We Y2K nuts may have just been nine or so years premature.
Comment by Greg Winn — January 3, 2009 @ 12:53 am