Shenandoah

by John Galt

March 7, 2010

Yes, tonight is the night when the stars align and the nominees all shake with utter anticipation as I award “The Otter” to those deserving souls for their acting and production ability, not to mention some spiffy special effects. The award, as shot and stuffed this morning:

took a lot more work than you think as the elderly gentleman in Venice I paid thirty bucks to round up this rascal thought I said to rabidly attack and conquer the furry bastard but instead of trapping or shooting him as instructed,  thus my 96 year old friend in Venice, Florida made the news by hitting on the wrong beaver and angering it greatly:

The public thanks you for not showing where that beaver put her overbite.

Thus tonight I shall try to match the glamor, the glitz, the stunning achievements of overpaid cocaine laden liberals in Hollywood by highlighting the awards that really matter, the Otters, which impact our lives every day and night because of the actions or inaction of the actors involved. And without further ado…..

Best Supporting Actress:

1. Sheila Bair, Chairwoman of the FDIC: Still remembered for her comments on acting on shutting down poorly capitalized banks after that award winning performance in 2008 where she stated that ye old Washington Mutual was “adequately capitalized” her performance in “Something about Fannie” really took the cake in 2009 as she demanded the member banks paid their dues for the insurance forward so there would be no more WaMus performances and only really Citi ones.

2. Hillary Rodham Clinton: Her head above shoulders performance in the Middle East theater in the action packed thriller “Peace in our Time” was somewhat lackluster but sill earns her accolades and another nomination. Plus she threatened to kick the judge’s asses if she wasn’t invited to the All Amazonia Awards Banquet and Tequila Party after the show.

3. Michelle Obama: It is rare that the academy nominates an exercise video but for those forearms in the movie “Flex” she wins the P.E. video of the year hand down and may just well steal the prize. Especially if the Secret Service points enough 9mm weapons at the judges.

4. The View: That’s right all of the ladies may just win for their version of the documentary version of the Puppy Bowl as they exercise their barking every day. Those are some awesomely unedumucated diatribes by dem dere female dogs.

Best Supporting Actor:

1. Harry Reid: The Senator who has said it all, done it all and acted like he had a clue. Do I really need to elaborate on his body of work in 2009?

2. Senator Ted Kennedy: He may not accept the award but since his passing into the great Chappaquiddick into the sky, the performances he put on and on his behalf are always worthy of nomination. Not to mention the Mafia told me to put his name up there.

3.  Tubro Timmy Geithner: Yes America, even in this day and age of political correctness, the Academy has seen fit to nominate the leading candidate for Child Actor and Best Supporting Actor because we do not discriminate against dwarfism. This guy did everything he could to support Ben Bernanke’s jock in the role as “Strap” in the movie “It’s a Wonderful Lie”  produced and finally released at the end of 2009, and the performance according to Ben was tremendous.

4. Joe “Love them Dunkin Donut Indians” Biden: Despite his attempt to steal two awards tonight and win “Best Comedy” by sneaking it out of the Democratic Party’s hands with their support for Al Franken as an actual Senator (Who’da thunk it?) Joe is the odds on favorite for his reprise as Foster Brooks at the Beer Summit after drinking an astonishing six O’Doules and then following up with a performance at the movie known as the “Party Crashers” where everyone actually came in off the streets to greet the Prime Minister of India! Even Joe who’s astonishing performance where he told the Prime Minister “What the BLEEP do you mean you’re out of BLEEPing  creme filled” almost for certain guaranteed he would win this award tonight.

Best Actor:

1. Nancy “Don’t Call me Boy” Pelosi: In a first for the academy a gender neutral nomination makes into both categories as the question is being asked; will it, won’t it, will she, won’t he? You see there is great fear and trepidation in which movie she might when her award for:

“The Crying Game”

or

“Fried Green Tomatoes”

It is going to be a tough call on the Academy tonight as she has the ability to make the judge’s home states miserable if they vote against her/him.

2. Hillary Rodham Clinton: He insisted on it too.

3. Benjamin S. Bernanke: As he reprises his role in “It Takes a Thief” the audience gasped as he learned the language of Greenspanese in very short order and by doing so convinced many members of Congress and the general public that his acting skills were beyond reproach. Although some people attempted to speak to him in alien languages he was able to put his best foot forward and despite sometimes being mistaken for one of the crab creatures from “District 9″ due to his dull, false and clicking testimony the diatribes put him right up there with the best that the master, Sir Alan, once delivered.

4. Barrack Hussein Obama:  This man’s talent knows no bounds and despite the orders of the beast to give her/him at least one award, the President is the odds on favorite.  His works this year include some remakes and original works, like “A Bridge Too Far” about a health care plan that was ill conceived resulting in numerous self-inflicted casualties, “Bananas” where he reprises Woody Allen’s role about a dictator in a Banana Republic, and of course who can forget his role in “Driving Miss Daisy” where he chauffeurs Nancy Pelosi around town from meeting to meeting to convince the Democrats that the bridge really isn’t that far away. Powerful stuff from a powerful actor with little experience at anything.

Best Motion Picture

1. “UP” not only nominated for best animated feature but best motion picture. A quaint story about how a house floated up in value then crashed. UP YOURS, the sequel was not nominated as it was considered to be the most depressing animated feature of all time, about the printing presses and budget deficits currently being accumulated by our government and Federal Reserve.

2. “The Blind Side” a feature movie which touches the hearts of Republicans everywhere when a power mad President continues to force the issue on legislation the American people obviously do not support, continuously blind siding his own party.

3. “District 9″, loosely based on “The District of Columbia” where space aliens eat cat food donated by elderly Medicare patients and in exchange they become bureaucrats promising to take over the nation and eventually the world, forcing everyone to poop in empty burned out Chevys and walk around like a drunken Barney Frank.

4. “Avatar” was the smashing hit of the season where a bunch of cartoon like characters introduced via 3D special effects convinced the world that our stock markets are not rigged and that the recent crash was actually the fault of a few evil blue creatures on a planet far far away and not incompetent government and illegitimate banking practices. Rumor has it the sequel is already being shot and is tentatively titled “The Fed.”

5. “Inglorious Basterds” is the dark horse tonight where a group of Tea Party rebels fight desperately to stave off the Evil Empire under the leadership of Darth Obama and the incompetence of the evil fat slob, Jabba the Frank, who insists that nothing could ever defeat his evil plans, not even the works of his boyfriend in the caves below who runs a Wookie brothel.

6. “The Hurt Locker” a dramatic story about the American public trapped in a room and forced to pay exorbitant taxes while being lied to under the threat of the economy being blown to smithereens by radicals in Washington. This movie has a new sequel every year and some people swear it should be in the documentary category.

Don’t stay up too late gang as the winners will be announced when everyone is totally sloshed in Hollywood and Americans are snoozing away after hearing anti-American speeches by the loons. Uh, sorry, that’s not the Oscars, that’s C-SPAN.