A Trip to the Grocery in the Near Future

 

by Natty Bumppo
November 8, 2012 05:30 ET

 

With all the new technologies in place and those being tested on the American public to keep us safe, I thought we should take a look into the future of grocery shopping.

 

It is the 7th of the month and according to the Dept. of Homeland Security’s new “Travel Now” program. This is the 1st of 2 days your family is permitted to visit the grocery store for the week. The day is sunny and beautiful this is Sunday and your children are at home and want to go shopping with you. So you load them up into their proper restraints and off you go.

 

Then while you are driving through town the bio-metric scanner determines what you have in your vehicle, guns, knives, drugs, liquor and what trouble you would be in if you have a copy of the Scriptures, the car did not shut down so you continue on. And that is not all, because as soon as you arrive at your destination, the local Pigly Wigly grocery. You then must walk through a body scanner with a retina scan to determine you really are what your National I.D. card says since you are one of the last holds outs to ‘get chipped’ and also to make sure that those are your children. For your sakes I really hope the scanner does not have some technical glitch that day because you will never see your children again.

 

After you gather your groceries into your cart and you are approved by Michele Obama’s calorie counting police, you get to the checkout lane and discover that the RFID in your cell phone used for purchases mistakenly doubled the gas purchase you made earlier which will take a month to refund if you can prove you only received the 5 gallons at 50 credits to begin with that now you don’t have enough credits remaining to make the purchase of the entire contents of your cart. No problem you say, just remove a couple items and it’s a go, but then a red light begins to flash while your items were scanning.

 

Unfortunately you took out the wrong items. You should have kept the carrots and not the bag of cookies. Because the calorie count fail safe installed 2 days earlier by the Michele Obama’s calorie counting police at the isle’s scanner told that you have an unhealthy cart and you are again required to go through the store and re-examine all potential purchases as you go through the process again. Finally you are cleared to return to your car from the local Pigly Wigly. You are so thankful that that was your first demerit at the grocery, 2 more and you would be required to take a special class on ‘healthy hearts and healthy homes’. After the class and if you receive 2 more demerits then your children would be removed from your unhealthy home and placed with a government approved ‘healthy hearts and healthy homes’ facility until they become of age after reeducation to remind you about proper dieting and report back to their superiors on your behavior. Your scared because your oldest is 7 and your youngest is 4 and they never come back to the families until the age of 10.

 

Now that you are back at your car (after going through the body scanner again verifying that you did not have an extra item in your purse which you did not pay for) with such relief that you made it out of the grocery in one piece with your 2 children. You load up your purchases and get the kiddos in their proper restraints and you settle in for the trip back home. Then half way home you see flashing lights in the rear view mirror and you pull over knowing that you were not speeding wondering what this was for. The officer approaches and asks for your copy of receipt of purchases from the local Pigly Wigly and you quickly comply because you know if you don’t have the required paperwork in a timely manner you are charged 15 credits per minute of the officers time after the initial 2 minute grace period. The officer tells you that according to the Bio-Metric scan at the intersection that you were missing 1 bottle of shampoo and 1 bag of cookies.

 

You quickly explain that the shampoo is there and that you stopped at a friends home and your children and theirs ate the cookies and you discarded the package at their home. The officer then takes down the name of your friend to verify your story and to check if too many calories were brought into that residence. However you cannot find the shampoo. But to your relief the officer notified you that someone seen you drop it as you were loading your vehicle and reported it to the proper authorities. This is not good as you soon find out, because of recent terrorist activities this could easily be seen as a potential threat of an exploding device concealed as a bottle of shampoo. However because of the timely reporting of the eyewitness and the quick response of the city’s finest. You will not be held for an indefinite period of time for the case to be resolved, but will be under house arrest for the next 2 weeks to determine the contents of the shampoo bottle.

 

Finally arriving at home, with your 2 children and remaining groceries, you consider yourself fortunate.

 

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