The Apocalypse has Been Postponed Due to Unforeseen Circumstances

by John Galt
October 16, 2016 10:30 ET

HOORAY!

For once these pages filled with doom and gloom can post some happy, happy, joy, joy news!

If my readers are unfamiliar with the “Battle of the Apocalypse” that the ISIS religious wingnuts, here is a nice, brief summary via an excerpt from The Brookings Institute article “ISIS fantasies of an apocalyptic showdown in northern Syria“:

The meadow outside the small village of Dabiq, Syria is a strange setting for one of the final battles of the Islamic apocalypse. Although close to the Turkish border, “Dabiq is not important militarily” observed a leader in the Syria opposition. And yet the Islamic State fought ferociously to capture the village this summer because its members believe the great battle between infidels and Muslims will take place there as part of the final drama preceding the Day of Judgment.

In a prophecy attributed to Muhammad, the Prophet predicts the Day of Judgment will come after the Muslims defeat Rome at al-`Amaq or Dabiq, two places close to the Syrian border with Turkey. Another prophecy holds that Rome’s allies will number 80. The Muslims will then proceed to conquer Constantinople (Istanbul1).

The Dabiq prophecy has not figured prominently in the Islamic State’s propaganda until recently. Abu Mus`ab al-Zarqawi mentioned it as the ultimate destination of the spark that had “been lit here in Iraq.” The first head of the Islamic State, Abu Umar al-Baghdadi, quoted the prophecy in one of his statements. But it was not until this year that the Islamic State really began to focus on the Dabiq in its propaganda. An Islamic State spokesman mentioned the ill-fated village in a statement in April, and in July the Islamic State released an English-language magazine named “Dabiq.” The editors, calling themselves the “Dabiq team,” explain why they adopted the name for their magazine: “The area will play a historical role in the battles leading up to the conquests of Constantinople, then Rome.” But first the Islamic State had to “purify Dabiq” from the “treachery” of the other Sunni rebels who held it and “raise the flag” of the Caliphate over its land.

Unfortunately for the ISIS leadership in Riyadh and Doha, this dramatic battle which was supposed to occur in Dabiq, which just happens to be where the originally proposed Qatar-Saudi natural gas pipeline was supposed to transit through, has taken a turn for the worst when pro-Turkish rebels took the town without a shot as ISIS forces fled like the little bitches they are.

ISIS’ media arm, the Amaq News Agency posted the following statement:

1016_amaq_apocalpyse_statement

Thank you Al-Masdar News for publishing that statement from the almighty cowards of ISIS.

Hilarious.

3 Comments on "The Apocalypse has Been Postponed Due to Unforeseen Circumstances"

  1. Drat, I just upgraded my “buckets o food”.

  2. Beowulf73 | 16/10/2016 at 14:43 |

    Almost had to blow my brains out after hearing that happy crappy song….

  3. Zetetic | 16/10/2016 at 18:20 |

    A few misdirected drone strikes may get them back on schedule.

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