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1-800-CALL-JAY (Powell)

16.06.20 22:15 ET

After the nightmare known as the Federal Reserve minutes and follow up news conference last week, I thought a cleaner, more Federal Reservese to English Common Folk translation would be in order. So instead of providing direct quotes from the minutes available at the Federal Reserve website, why waste your time and mine when I have the quasi-semi-official Fed2English translator app on my phone?

For expediency, the letter ‘F’ stands for “Fed” or Powell, or whatever sexual verb you wish to inject.

Q: “We did a reverse stock split of 1 for 10 in 2009 and our stock is still only equal to about $5.00 a share. Can you help us restore our stock valuations and help us buy our Federal Reserve stock shares we had to sell way back then?

F: “Thank you for calling 1-800-CALL-JAY. Of course we can help but you can not repeat the mistakes of 2008. First issue another $50 billion in CLO’s and then use the profits from that to buy your stock shares back. Once the liability is off your books when we buy them, you can buy some of your shares back from GS or JPM.

Q: “Our Rental Car divisions are hurting bad due to the Covid-19 infection worldwide and our company has had to file bankruptcy. Can you help us?”

F: “Thank you for calling 1-800-CALL-JAY. We can not help you directly yet, but we have some advice that might put you on the right path. Change your name to HurtzCovidCure and your stock symbol to HZCC. That should inspire people that you are curing the problem of that evil disease and will them to buy more of your shares to the point where you can buy your way out of bankruptcy.”

Q: “Our national quagmire with the virus, the stock market, and the uncertainty is hurting my re-election chances. The polls or killing me if they are to be believed and my invisible dog Snuffy won’t even acknowledge me. Can you juice the economy one more time by buying more worthless government bonds so I can give every American a fair chance with one time $20,000 per person income tax rebates?”

F: “Thank you for calling 1-800-CALL-JAY. This is a tough one sir, and you have long been one of our most difficult clients. Get back to me in September and if the S&P 500 is still not above 4,000, by God we’ll buy everything, including mortgaging the White House as collateral.”

Q: “Should we keep buying our own stock back to juice stocks and dividends while depending on other foreign central banks to buy our stocks, or should we just announce a new phone and ask you to buy our equities and 100 year bonds?”

F: “Thank you for calling 1-800-CALL-JAY. This is a tough one. The company isn’t losing money but it is running out of markets to sell equities too with Japan, Norway, and Switzerland all vying to take your company over. I would suggest a new stock issuance of preferred shares in combination with 75 year bonds that the Fed could exclusively buy. Oh, and please, update your new phones with an i-Joystick as it is too hard to play the flight simulators with those tiny buttons.”

Q: “We have yet to make any vehicles, a profit, and still stuck at zero dollars in sales. Despite that our stock looks great and the CEO’s stock bonus program is smoking. Should we follow the TSLA model and BS our way through it for three years until the trucks start rolling off the production line, or ask any central bank in the world for help?

F: “Thank you for calling 1-800-CALL-JAY. This one is easy. If you get in trouble with your bonus, call us back. Just wing it until your first uglymobile hits the road. The Fed’s job is to make sure there are no losers, no matter how good or bad a product is that the company creates.

F: “Again thank you everyone, that’s all the questions for now, please submit your hard questions in writing so the Federal Reserve can respond with the appropriate level of bovine scattology per question should we desire to reply. Thank you.”